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Feb. 15th, 2009 @ 01:53 pm (no subject)
Today I looked back and saw the man I was. The pain I couldn’t see beyond. The ugliness and the evil, the absurdities and the hurt. It has been so long since I have posted here.
Hope has always been the only thing that held together my fragile world. Hope that we could escape these frigid waters. Every moment I held on was a small victory. Every day a beating, but a survived one.
But hope alone is not a savior. Hope keeps you afloat, but it does not stave off the cold, nor bring you any closer to shore. Something more is needed to bring land beneath you once again.
A change in vision took me. I saw an outline beyond the dark. I saw beauty again. I saw the beauty in life, in love. It was faint at first, but it grew. A woman saved me, or did I save her? She is warm and beautiful, and when I hold her she warms me. A beauty I had somehow overlooked for so long. The beauty I thought was dead in us still lived, I just never was close enough to see it, or maybe I wasn’t looking.
The darkness is still here. It lives in me still, as it still lives in us all, but for the first time I feel it falter. I see the weakness in it, the fragility to what was before so overpowering.
I still have so many questions, so much to do, but I breath easier, and feel like I can once again be a warrior, a wise man, a writer. We can change, we can grow, and we can control it. We are only powerless when we believe we are.
I am not the man you knew.

I married the woman who saved me this last august. I can truly say I never knew what happiness was until I felt it. Like trying to explain light to the blind, I had no idea. I wish you all well. Never stop trying, we are getting somewhere. I am still here too.
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Jan. 15th, 2008 @ 03:09 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: lonelylonely

           I want out.  I want to escape this existence I have become trapped in.  I want the future we all dreamed was possible as children, and I want that future for my children.  I want to be free like no one has ever been free.

           I wonder when things happened.  When did the masses give up on resisting the brainwashing?  When did the brainwashers themselves become brainwashed?  How will this cycle ever be broken, and how will we know our new found knowledge isn’t more than additional brainwashing?

           I have seen many intelligent and many wise people, and the greatest difference I have seen between is the wise know of their own brainwashing.  Even if they remain unable to escape it, they see, understand, and attempt to free themselves.

           Each of these steps is important.  Most people can see the charade they live.  People are not as stupid as most of us claim, and at least see the traps they are caught in.  A smaller portion of people can fully comprehend these traps.  They understand what is behind them, the potential motive, and the long term impact on their lives.

           Unfortunately, this is where most will stop.  We will come to terms with these traps as the facts of life, inescapable truths.  For striving to fight against or change such things is a fool’s errand, an insurmountable task, the unachievable.  Beyond, such efforts could easily instill hopelessness or even madness in those who try, because trying the impossible is certainly not something that happens quickly.

           Perhaps the very act of trying is important.  It is possible that in at least trying to escape these traps, we gain something.  We admit that we deserve a better world, and we few are willing to fight for it.  However misguided or ill sought our efforts were, we strove and fought for our dreams and beliefs.

           One day, I will die, and I hope not to be remembered as a rich man, or as a content man.  I hope to be remembered as a fighter, a man who never gave up on what he knew was right.  And I hope beyond all hope that I actually made the smallest difference, maybe even disarmed a trap or two.

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Nov. 20th, 2007 @ 05:57 pm (no subject)

            The rain beat cold against my face, and darkness flooded in heavier than the water.  The sandbags soaked up the rain, and grew more cumbersome the longer the night drew on.  But the wall was almost complete, our home was nearly saved, and we were beginning to breathe easier.

            The hill that our house backed up against on the east side had begun to slide toward us in the early evening, and we had been bagging it up ever since.  The hour had moved from late to early, and now we were expecting the early rays of dawn to cut the veil of night and shine upon our accomplishment.

            I dropped the last bag onto the wall, and with a collective sigh we knew we had finished what we strove to do.

            “It is so rare that we as humans get to see the immediate fruits of our labors, but tonight, my children, we have.  We have fought the elements, and we have succeeded in our endeavor.  We defended our home against nature herself, now we need not fear anything, for we know that through our bond and our blood, we will overcome.”

            Father’s words warmed me just as much as the drink that waited for us inside.  We ate together, and drank with cheer in our home, safe and solid.  Even as fatigue settled, we continued our celebration, for it was both a triumph of body and spirit, and such victories do not occur on an ordinary basis.

            The rumble was subtle at first, but quickly grew in intensity.  The house shifted, and the movement took my footing from me.  I fell backward into the kitchen as the floor cracked through.  I heard the frantic screaming of my family as I tumbled down into the now gaping foundation of our home.

            I awoke in a world I did not know.  Where once stood our family’s home now lay a muddy ruin, a festering swamp, a dank tomb.  I wandered helplessly calling for my kin, but to no avail.  The earth had taken those who dared to challenge her, and I was merely left for testimony.

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Nov. 17th, 2007 @ 11:37 pm (no subject)
    I feel sick.  A grief grips me that I do not know, a feeling I have never felt.  It swells, like vomit rising up my throat, burning and choking me.  Tears flood my eyes as I struggle desperately through this uncontrollable reflex.
    Not knowing where you are, who thought it could do this to me?  Not knowing if you are alright, I always feared the unknown, but never realized its power over me.  As I write this I hate myself for being so insecure, for replaying all the worse cases that could be in my head, over and over.  But I can't stop it, these things are despite my greatest effort.
    Another heave of grief, of stomach, of the alcohol that does no soothe me this night.  I haven't wanted to rend my flesh for years, but tonight I do, if only to give myself reason for the tears on my face.
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Oct. 16th, 2007 @ 11:29 pm The cheater's noble heart
I needed to say what I felt,
Purist words could make you melt.
But every word from me is fake,
Every pledge a lie I make.

It's not an epic tale for me,
A story of what could be.
But this you ought not listen to,
All these words are lies for you.

Ignore this man's love for you.
I'll tell you now I'm not true.
I will never see it through.
So run away,
Run away.

In this moment my love is real,
All these things I really feel.
But a warning I will repeat,
All I've said has been deceit.


I'll promise that you'll never cry,
Vow to you our love will fly.
But I can not let you invest,
I'll tell you what would be best.

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Oct. 15th, 2007 @ 01:22 am Wasn't meant to be
I think I figured out why my smile always looks so out of place...
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Oct. 13th, 2007 @ 02:02 am (no subject)
I suddenly fear that everyone around me lacks any genuine qualities.  It seems that half of the time, we are who we are "suppose to be", and the other half we are rebelling far from it, the other extreme. 

Do any of you even know who you are anymore?  What do you want from life, what do you desire from others?  What world do you want to live in?
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Oct. 8th, 2007 @ 01:25 pm hatemail.com

Yet another hate letter for the collection....  Written by me, for Jason, from Destiny:




At the difficult times in our lives, during the hardest of moments, we discover who our true friends are.  Those who are here for us, those who help us and guide us back to sanity.  During these times we also discover, however, the true nature of those we thought were our best of friends.

            Unfortunately, the failure of such individuals only increases the severity and difficult nature of these hard times.  These dire periods, which need no help in disrupting our lives, are hard enough to overcome, even with the support of our beloved friends.  But without support, we are crippled, and left in the wild, tempestuous sea of emotion, waiting to get tossed against the rocky shores of life.

In case you have not yet realized the intent of this letter, I am speaking of you, my dear ‘friend’, Jason.  Today, I returned to work for the first time after an extremely difficult period, a period of time that is not over, an ongoing era of stress and anxiety.  I came in today, hoping, knowing that you would be here to help me.  But behold my surprise; witness my disappointment in the fact that you have abandoned me at this of all times.  My reliance on you, my faith in your heart and understanding was a mistake, and one I will never again make.

You have failed me, and beyond that, you have failed yourself as a decent human.  Believe me when I say that this is the end to all that we had.  You are as dead to me as your sense of decency, dead as your emotionless soul.

With unfilled prescriptions, you were my only hope for clinging to sanity.  The pills that would rectify the unhealthy palpitations in my chest are as unavailable as you this morning.

You have disgraced yourself, and gingers across the globe.  We are all lessened by your disappointment.  I am hurt beyond the point that your false caring and magic hands could ever fix.  Tightness in my throat and tears in my eyes is all I receive at the thought of you now.

I hope this isn’t the person you strove to be in life, but it is all I will ever see you as now.  Goodbye forever.



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Sep. 27th, 2007 @ 01:08 pm (no subject)

            The heat was getting to me.  That awful type of heat that wraps around you, slows your whole body, and to put it simply, makes you fucking miserable.

            I was at work, one of those basic retail jobs you would expect to have air conditioning.  But we did not, or at least, not a working system.  We were the lowliest of the retail peons, with the lowliest of retail customers, neither worthy of even basic comfort.  Our customers were complaining, but I didn’t know what to tell them.

            Just five more hours.  I would tell myself.   In five hours you can go home and forget about this stupid job.  Flush it away in the night, down the urinal in the pub.  Out the sewage drain in your mind.





            I was thinking today about high school, and why everyone wants to go back.  I don’t personally want to go back, of course, but most people seem to want to.  And I think this is due to that fact in high school, you only had to be there from nine til two.  We were spoiled in youth with five hour days, something adult life will never live up to.

            Although, I do think it is important to always pursue something better, even if you can never get it.  Otherwise, there is no point in anything we do.  Of course, there is a very good possibility that there is no point.  But for now I will try and believe in the power of self improvement. 

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Sep. 13th, 2007 @ 11:37 am (no subject)
Current Mood: worriedworried

            I could have been something special.  A thought that we all wrestle with, the knowledge that we have not now, nor will we ever achieve the extraordinary.  I, like my father and his, will work away my life, and at best, enjoy a quiet retirement.

            I am not a great warrior; I will not conquer my enemies or the globe.  I am not a great wise man; I will solve none of the great questions.  I am not a great writer; I will never write well enough to truly move my audience.

            I stand at the junction in which dreamers die, and the ordinary is born.  Give up your unique goals for the common, more easily achievable ones.  Make some money, buy a house, find a wife, start a family.  Family is the easiest legacy to leave, but one I was never drawn to.

            My children will more than likely stand at this crossroad, and be forced to make this heartbreaking, soul shattering decision.  This decision that has been rotting in the back of my mind for a decade.  Do I have to choose between the hopes for my life and the necessities of living?

            Perhaps I can put off this choice a bit longer, but I fear it has already been made.

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